Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Hey Guys, I Have a Fun Idea!

Let's go see Brother Ali together!

He's at the Bill Graham Civic on August 5th! We can all go, then we can all have a sleepover party at my new house before my roommates move in! It'll be great!

Seriously, let's make this happen.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I just finished it. Ten minutes ago. An eight-year chapter of my life has effectively ended. I can die now and be okay. If I get some kind of terminal disease, I can't use this as my Make-A-Wish Foundation wish anymore. I don't know how I feel about that. If you think I'm going to give away anything about the book then clearly you know nothing about me and we are not friends. This has been the best and worse day of my life.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Things To Do While Taking A Shit

- Read
- Check E-mail
- Chat online with friends
- Talk on the phone
- Pet your kitty/doggy
- Write a sympathy card
- Brush your hair
- Fill out a questionnaire
- Call a technical support hotline
- Listen to music and toilet-dance
- Pluck your eyebrows (only advisable with a mirror in sight)
- Take a nap
- Get naked
- Get dressed
- Pee
- Crack your knuckles
- Make a collage
- Shop on the internet
- Whistle/sing/hum a song
- Do homework/study
- Endorse paychecks
- Talk to friends and family in the immediate vicinity
- Courtesy flush
- Write a blog

Friday, July 13, 2007

Harry Potter Movie Review EXTRAVAGANZA!

For those of you not currently in the know, my dad hooked me and three friends (Cassady, Gen, and my mom) up with tickets to a free preview screening of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As always, the movie was nowhere near the greatness of the book. It did not, however, suck as much as other Harry Potter movies I have seen. For your viewing pleasure, here is my character-by-character review of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Note: I have to use the character names because I don't know/give a shit about what the actor's real names are):

Harry Potter: Damn son, you are one ugly bastard. I wouldn't mind your face so much if you could act, but you can't, so I basically hate you. You are one of the two main reasons I typically dislike the HP movie franchise.

Ron Weasley: Holy crap, when did you hit puberty? Call me when you decide to trim that bowl cut and grow some facial hair....maybe we could work something out.

Hermione Granger: Why why why why WHY do you suck SO MUCH?! How the hell did you get this job?! You are perhaps an even worse actor than the guy who plays Harry Potter, and that's really saying something. You don't even try to look like Hermione anymore! You have some of the funniest and sassiest lines in the Order of the Phoenix book and you somehow managed to screw up in your delivery of EVERY SINGLE ONE! You ruined my favorite Harry Potter joke ever. Do us all a favor and go into rehab or die or something so you don't ruin Half-Blood Prince for me too.

Weasley Twins: In the words of my good friend Genevieve, "I would do them both...AT THE SAME TIME!" Again, grow some facial hair and we can talk.

Ginny Weasley: If you don't show me your mother f-ing bat bogey hex in the next movie, I swear to God I will start hating you.

Dean Thomas: Sorry the powers that be decided that Seamus should hook up with Ginny at the end instead of you. I guess interracial relationships just aren't cool with the kids these days. Keep on keeping on, brother.

Seamus Finnigan: Ohhhh man....I know Cassady says you're only 5'2" in real life, but your accent and charming Irish looks more than make up for it. If you were to, say, grow a full beard, there's probably no one in the world who could keep me from having sex with you. Let's get on that, shall we?

Luna Lovegood: OH MY GOSH YOU ARE AMAZING! Whoever cast you should be paid twice their current salary. You kept this movie from being a complete turd, and I thank you for that.

Bellatrix Lestrange: I didn't know Amy Winehouse was an actress!

Snape: You scare the shit out of me and you're perfect and I love you. Actually, I hate you with all my heart, but I love your acting skills. You know what I mean.

Dolores Umbridge: Perfect cough, perfect clothes, but just didn't look enough like a toad.

Tonks: Boo. Poor choice.

Voldemort: Holy mother of God, you are sosososo frightening. I can't wait for you to get your ass kicked.

Well there you have it friends, my extensive review of Harry Pott and the Order of the Phoenix. Overall I give it a B-. This less-than-stellar review will not, of course, keep me from buying it the day it comes out on DVD and having a screening at my house. Maybe we'll even have more licorice wands...

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Fourth of July Blog

Ahh, Independence Day, the most boring holiday our nation has to offer! Of course I had to celebrate because it was also Genevieve's 21st birthday! Now, in no particular order, the top ten reasons I love Gen:

1. She is a Jew.
2. She has curly curly Jew hair.
3. Her supreme hatred of all things Asian, including but not limited to Asian drivers, Asian designs, Asian art, etc.
4. How well she handles her liquor - with a lesser woman, yesterday's celebration could have gotten rather ugly.
5. The way that she managed to go to private snobby schools for the last six years and only be elitist in her quest for Ugg boots and her distaste for the Asian nation.
6. How gay she is for Ben Folds.
7. The way that she always makes sure we don't go too long without talking or seeing each other.
8. The fact that she has never farted on me, unlike most of my other friends (ANNE).
9. She can burp so loudly that it scares my pets, which is both impressive and attractive.
10. Her big big boobies.

Happy Birthday Jew, I hope you had as good a time at your fiesta as I did.

A quick highlight from the afterparty at the Kellers' with Uncle Rick:

Mark "Super Sup" Keller (while sitting outside on the deck with fireworks exploding all over the place): "God damn, this sounds like we're in Oakland."

Stay classy, Mark.

Monday, July 2, 2007


WOW! Oh man! Last night after a magnificent SCD dinner with two of my best bitches Cassady and AnnE, Cassady and I decided to go see Sicko at the Del Mar. First of all, don't judge me for watching Michael Moore films - I take them with a grain of salt, and I enjoy a good documentary (no matter how biased it may be), so suck it. Anyhoo, this story isn't really about the movie - which, by the way, was great - it's about the most exciting discovery I have ever made.

The Del Mar, for those of you not native to the Santa Cruz area, is a really old and awesome theater downtown, kind of near that weird shack that sells vegetarian bagels and crap. The Del Mar has been my favorite movie theater for quite a while. They're always showing semi-independent films and the grand auditorium has the most comfortable seats and best views of the screen I have ever experienced. The only problem I've ever had with the Del Mar is the women's bathroom.

First of all, the women's room is up on the second floor. Anyone who knows me knows the extent of my laziness makes it nearly impossible for me to climb the twenty-something steps up to the potty, unless I REALLY have to go. Secondly, they use the gross powdery Borax-y soap that just doesn't give me the clean that I'm looking for after a good potty session. The real clincher, though, is the individual toilet stalls. Let me paint a picture for you: as you walk into the bathroom, there's a rather large lounge area with a couch, chair, table, and multiple mirrors. These mirrors become terrifying once you enter the stalls because the stall doors are only about three feet high and rise off the ground about a foot and a half. This means that you are basically only covered from knee to shoulder, or, if you're tall like me, shin to chest. Even when I'm sitting down, I can still see over the stall doors. The sides of the stalls are equally tiny. This can make for awkward situations when you are forced to take a pee while making eye contact with a complete stranger waiting for their friend in the lounge. It gets even more awkward when someone accidentally leaks a fart and everyone in the vicinity can see them begin to blush with their head poking out above the stall (not that this has ever happened to me personally; I don't fart). To sum it all up, the bathroom is a far from private wait to take care of some very private business.

I was on my way out of the grand auditorium to release my bladder before the movie yesterday when I happened to look to my left. This glance quickly became life-changing as I realized that there is ANOTHER WOMEN'S BATHROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR! I gasped and walked briskly to the door, hoping against hope that it was more private than the upstairs. Imagine my glee when I discovered that it was a SINGLE-STALL BATHROOM! It was just a toilet, sink, and paper towel holder all closed off behind a heavy locking door. I had always wondered how the upstairs bathroom was considered handicap acessible, only to find out that it wasn't and there was a separate accessible bathroom downstairs.

With that being said, this is one of the best discoveries I have ever made in Santa Cruz, and as much I have enjoyed telling you about it, I urge you, readers, not to use my special secret potty. It took me almost ten years to find it, and it's just not fair for you all to show up and use it just because you heard about it from a friend. In conclusion, be content with the fact that there's a secret toilet in the Del Mar theater, but stay the hell away from it.