Oregon Field Trip Part 1: "You Ain't Gotta Love Meeee...."

Well I just (22 hours ago, whatever) got back from my little Oregon adventure and I have so much to tell you! Since I know you guys (my three faithful readers) are just DYING to hear every little detail I'm going to do this blog in installments, beginning at the beginning (duh) and ending at the end. Each blog will also get an Ali lyric as the title, since I'm creative like that. Anyway, on to the story....
As many of you already know, I had been planning a field trip to Eugene, Oregon since the end of March/beginning of April to go see my new favorite rapper Brother Ali. The original plan for the trip was to drive from Santa Cruz to Eugene with a friend and meet up with my fabulous roommate Meagen and our good friend Kaci, who were driving down from Seattle the same day as we were going to be driving up. It was the perfect scenario; however, due to some unforeseen complications, the original plan was shot to hell about eight days before the show. I responded to this disappointment in my usual manner - crying, moping, complaining, etc. After a few days of this type of behavior, I realized that I still had a lot of options open. I figured I would just wait and see what happened.
What ended up happening was a huge paycheck that I was not expecting to be as big as it was. I took this as a sign from Jesus that I should just sack up and go to Oregon by myself, so I decided to buy a one-way plane ticket to Portland. Meagen and Kaci could pick me up and I would drive with them the last two hours to Eugene. They agreed that it was an awesome idea, and four days later I was on my way to San Jose International Airport (which actually only has domestic flights - go figure).
Now would be a good time to mention my horrible fear of flying. I think it stems from a combination of my deathly fear of heights and my desperate lack of control while on a plane. I have only flown a total of four previous times and I had never flown alone. Needless to say, I was somewhat anxious getting on the flight. To be brief, I made it out alive and no worse for wear. Some highlights include: after telling airport security that I had no liquids in my carry-on, a bag search revealed a full-size bottle of lotion, facewash, hair products, and perfume (for some reason it didn't click with me that the suitcase I was not checking was also considered a carry-on); taking my seat on the plane only to realize that I was surrounded by fussing babies...literally surrounded, I had a baby to my right, one in front of me, twins behind me, and another baby behind them; crying silent tears and clasping my hands firmly in my lap during take-off and landing; and most notably attempting to calm my nerves by watching a few episodes of "Scrubs" and "The Office" on my iPod, only to realize that I had accidentally deleted ALL TV shows from my iPod while putting on a new song. Basically, I had nothing to do but listen to that damn Gwen Stefani and Akon song over and over again since it was stuck in my head like WHOA!
After all that drama, I finally arrived at the airport, picked up my poor suitcase filled with liquids from baggage claim, and hopped into Meagen's car. I think that's where we'll stop for tonight...stay tuned for the next installment!

Dammit...

I just accidentally listened to some reggae. It was one of the worst things I have ever experienced; right up there with my root canal and being catheterized.

That's one minute and twenty-three seconds of my life that I can never get back.


PS: I'm leaving for the airport now...pray for me.

Pity Party

I'm writing this from Sarah Balch's house right now on her computer from the future. It has taken her approximately one hour to take care of all her "feminine needs," due to impossible cramps and a lack of feminie hygiene products in her house, even though there are five girls in her family. One hour and a trip to Safeway later, I'm still waiting. We are supposedly going to drink hot chocolate and watch The Departed. My prediction: we'll drink about a quarter of our hot chocolate and then fall asleep forty-five minutes into the movie. It may seem a little cynical but really it's all good to me.
As of about fifteen minutes ago, I decided I was officially over my pity party. If you didn't already know (and I'm sure you did, since only about six people read this and I know they know), I've had kind of a difficult week that has basically culminated in me feeling really badly about myself. It even carried over into my trip to the lovely and fabulous Central Valley. I was so excited to see Ducky and Guido and their assorted family members but I still couldn't stop feeling a little bit bummed. Don't get me wrong; I had an AMAZING time - shout outs to Ducky and Guido for some killer snuggling and swimming! - I just couldn't stop talking about how tweedled I was. The same thing started up again tonight at Sarah's. Brenda asked what was up and I told her the whole saga and I just got really down again. This is it, though. I'm officially done. I don't want to feel bad about stupid shit anymore so I'm just not going to. Sarah's back now and she's singing a song to her phone and talking so fast I don't know what she's actually saying. I'm nodding and agreeing while I type. Sarah Balch is amazing, Ducky and Guido are amazing, and Oregon will be amazing when I fly up there tomorrow! Wish me luck, because I'm pretty freaking sure my plane will crash due to me being so damn paranoid about flying in the first place. Movie time!

PS: Here's awesome banner Ducky's sister made for us during our CV pity party! It's not quite as cool as Army banner, but it's awesome nonetheless. I want it muraled onto the wall in my room...

Douche Bags

I found this video on Smurf's computer last night and I had to upload it to YouTube to share with the world. Apparently she claims we had been doing this for like an hour but this was the only clip she caught on film. I don't actually remember this at all, but I can only assume that it was an hour of excitement. Enjoy a little taste of what live is like with Vanessa and Gen (aka Dory and Triton).

Memorial Day Weekend

The weekend that all of the San Lorenzo Valley celebrates together. What could be better? We kick things off with the ever-exciting "Felton Remembers" Parade, featuring no less than forty schoolchildren, at least six middle-aged slightly overweight belly dancers, an abundance of livestock, and even a few veterans. For some reason my dad was volunteered to be an official parade organizer this year - he was even given a walkie-talkie radio, so apparently he was kind of a big deal. I didn't exactly make it to the parade, since it starts at 10 AM and finishes by, oh 10:30ish, but I assume it was amazing.

From there we move on to one of three activities: the Covered Bridge Festival at the park, the Civil War reenactment in Roaring Camp, or the Boulder Creek Art & Wine Festival in downtown BC. My family tends to opt for the Boulder Creek Art & Wine Festival, which they did again this year. I opted for none, since I have partaken in all of them far too many times before. However, after all of these activities comes the real celebration - the annual Smith Family Memorial Day Barbecue. If you have never been to a Smith Family BBQ/Dorypalooza, let me break it down for you: everyone gets pretty drunk, eats a ton of food, talks for hours, and laughs really really really hard. Generally speaking, a good time is had by all. Tonight's BBQ was no exception. This year featured the requisite barbecued chicken and hot dogs, as well as about sixteen salads, a ton of side dishes, and two desserts, including a badass red white and blue cake Cassady and I made. We even had a baby to pass around and snuggle with all night. When the weather turned cold we busted out the portable fire pit and started in on the storytelling. I don't really know what the point of this blog is except to say that if you came today, thanks for stopping by, and if you didn't come, you really missed out. I'm sure it'll be the same routine for the Fourth of July and my sister's graduation party, so feel free to stop on by anytime. Mi backyard furniture es su backyard furniture!

PS: Check out our cake and prepare to be amazed. The inner layers were red white and blue too, and yes, that IS fondant.

Let's Talk in REAL LIFE Sometime

I know I'm blogging twice in like five minutes but I couldn't get online last night and it was really frustrating. I'm basically spilling over with funny crap to share with you guys. Here's a real-life (shocking, I know) conversation I had with Sarah Balch while leaving her house last night.

Me: "Okay bye"
Sarah: (nice happy voice) "Bye!" (scary angry satanic yell) "DON'T DO IT!"
I stare at Sarah in shock and horror and nod.
Sarah: (nice happy voice again)"Drive safe!"

What a freak. I love her.

My New Favorite Worship Song

It's really about Jesus y'all....


"Whatta Man" - Salt N Pepa


Yeah, yeah (Oooo)
Uh, hey hey
All right, yeah
Oooo

CHORUS

What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man


I wanna take a minute or two, and give much respect due
To the man that's made a difference in my world
And although most men are ho's he flows on the down low
Cuz I never heard about him with another girl
But I don't sweat it because it's just pathetic
To let it get me involved in that he said/she said crowd
I know that ain't nobody perfect, I give props to those who deserve it
And believe me y'all, he's worth it
So here's to the future cuz we got through the past
I finally found somebody that can make me laugh
(Ha ha ha) You so crazy
I think I wanna have your baby

CHORUS

My man is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass
A body like Arnold with a Denzel face
He's smart like a doctor with a real good rep
And when he comes home he's relaxed with Pep
He always got a gift for me everytime I see him
A lot of snot-nosed ex-flames couldn't be him
He never ran a corny line once to me yet
So I give him stuff that he'll never forget
He keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps
He's not a fake wannabe tryin' to be a pimp
He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans
He's a God-sent original, the man of my dreams
Yes, my man says he loves me, never says he loves me not
Tryin' to rush me good and touch me in the right spot (in my heart...duh)
See other guys that I've had, they tried to play all that mac shit
But every time they tried I said, "That's not it"
But not this man, he's got the right potion
Baby, rub it down and make it smooth like lotion
Yeah, the ritual, highway to heaven
From seven to seven he's got me open like Seven Eleven
And yes, it's me that he's always choosin'
With him I'm never losin', and he knows that my name is not Susan
He always has heavy conversation for the mind
Which means a lot to me cuz good men are hard to find

CHORUS

My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller
He takes his time and does everything right
Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night
He's a real smooth brother, never in a rush
And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch
Spends quality time with his kids when he can
Secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man
A lover and a fighter and he'll knock a knucker out
Don't take him for a sucker cuz that's not what he's about
Every time I need him, he always got my back
Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that (shout out to Mary!)

CHORUS


...Is this sacreglious?

(Stolen) From Ducky With Love Part II: Phone Survey

Most people can't live without their cell phone... so here's a survey about it.

Okay? Go Grab your phone! <--this command caused a genuine panic in my heart because I couldn't find the damn phone.

1. What color?
Black and silver

2. Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M?
Maddie

3. Who's the last person you called?
Leoul...he didn't pick up :o(

4. Who is the last missed call from?
Mel

5. Who's the 2nd person who comes up under D?
Dad's cell phone der

6. Who's speed dial 2?
Mom's cell phone (Ducky, how do you not know how to find this out?)

7. Who's the 3rd person who comes up under J?
Jew (Genevieve)

8. Who was your last received call from?
Sarah Balch of course

9. Who's speed dial number number 4?
Dad's cell phone, again

10. What is your background?
a picture of a hand holding a sticker that says "Felton, California" in front of what looks like a frapuccino courtesy of Nate Curry

11. How many texts are currently in your inbox?
16

12. Who's speed dial #1?
home

13. What's the 5th message say in your inbox?
"Are ya'll at church?"

14. Who's the first person that comes up under G?
Grandpa cell phone - yes, my 74 year old grandpa has a cellphone

15. Who was your last text message from?
Matt C! SHOUT OUT!

16. Name every person you have text messages from:
Matt Meagen Nate

17. Who's the 2nd person who comes up under S?
SARAH BALCH! Cell phone, not home.

18. Who's the 9th person on your missed calls?
Smurf!

19. What does the 6th message in your outbox say?
"cool cool"

20. Who is the first name in your Phonebook?
Angles hair salon...classy

21. Who is the last name in your phonebook?
Yeshi, my favorite Ethiopian.

22. Do you have a camera phone?
Who doesn't these days? Even my mother has a camera phone.

23. Who is the last person under D?
DUCKY! What a coincidence!

24. What does your first text message say?
It's a picture message. <--mine too, the picture is Nate holding his camera up in a mirror with his buck teeth in. Once again, classy.

25. Who is the third person under K?
No k's. What a sad note to end on...

Ahhhhh

That was a relaxed "ahhhh," not a screaming "AHHHH!"

There's nothing like an eyebrow wax to make you feel really good about yourself.

"Let's Talk On AIM Sometime..." Vol. IX: CHAT ROOM!

I have got to stop with these things.

[23:08] QueenRandom87: omg you guys I have to poo SO hard. I need to go kick my sister out of the bathroom
[23:09] QueenRandom87: (brb)
[23:09] Vanessa2you: nice playa
[23:09] squirtadero: hahaha
[23:09] Vanessa2you: takin the poo talk to the streets yall
[23:09] AMsquirrel624: ewww
[23:09] AMsquirrel624: why did you have to tell us ducky!
[23:09] Vanessa2you: I won't lie
[23:09] AMsquirrel624: gross
[23:09] Vanessa2you: I'm on my laptop with a 30 ft long internet cable taking a poop right now
[23:09] Vanessa2you: beat that
[23:09] squirtadero: ew
[23:09] AMsquirrel624: EWWW
[23:09] squirtadero: toooooo much information dory
[23:09] CarolAnnCallahan: sick out
[23:09] squirtadero: way too much
[23:09] Vanessa2you: and that's the honest truth
[23:09] Vanessa2you: ahahaa
[23:11] QueenRandom87: Ok, back.
[23:11] QueenRandom87: omg Dory, we're poop buddies!

(Stolen) From Ducky With Love....

[ ARE YOU ]
1. A cuddler?: anyone, anytime, anywhere. Call me.
2. A morning person?: not really under any circumstances. I can get myself moving and get shit done but I do not enjoy it and I am definitely not at my best.
3. Tall?: disturbingly
4. In your pajamas? yes!
5. Left handed?: ambidextrious. That's a lie.

[ LAST ]
1. Friend you texted: Smurf E. Lee
2. Was today better than yesterday?: they were probably about the same, as far as days go. Both fun.

[ FAVORITE ]
1. Number: 17
2. Season: all, everytime they change I fall in love all over again (cornyyyy...)

[ QUESTIONS & ANSWERS ]
Q: What was the first thing you did this morning?
A: sneeze/pee/snort, simultaneously.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: I'm just hoping that the Nick that Nate is planning on bringing to Oregon isn't the Nick I think it is...we really need to find out his last name. Some other stuff is bothering me too.

Q: What's the last movie you watched?
A: Shrek 3 last night and the last 40 minutes of Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason this afternoon, I'm not sure if BJ counts because it wasn't a full movie.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: Smurfy's house

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: Of course

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: If I happen to catch one shooting then yes, otherwise no

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: I like to think so. I'm very outgoing and fun.

Q: Where did you sleep last night?
A: amongst the feathers in my bed in my room in my house in Felton in Santa Cruz County in California in the USA in North America in the world.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: white with purple and pink and green writing

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: Yesterday evening

Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
A: "love me, love me, sayyyyy that you love meeee" it was stuck in my head like WHOA.

Q: What are you about to do?
A: talk to my sister's friend Matt on IM (SHOUT OUT!) and maybe read some HP5 and go to sleep, you know how I roll...

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10?
A: 7.75 - as Ducky said, good, but could be better in certain aspects...mostly just me being less fat and having a boypal.

Q: What do you hear right now?
A: the filters on the fish tank. They kind of create a zen-like fountainy atmosphere at night.

Q: If you could drink anything right now, what would it be?
A: Cold water sounds good. <--I hear that sister!

Q: Does anything hurt right now?
A: only the hole where my heart used to be...just kidding. The gnarly bite on my back hurts and so do my feet.

Q: What's your favorite month?
A: all except January. NOTHING happens in January (if it's your birthday in January, I don't care. It's not enough for me to stop disliking it)

Q: What's your favorite bottled water?
A: AQUAFINA.

Q: Have a best friend?
A: _-CANG, etc.

Q: How many kids do you want/have?
A: between 21 and 34

Q: Are you on the phone?
A: Not now. I'm on IM though.

Q: Are you a good singer?
A: I embrace my slightly less than mediocre singing ability, and therefore I am great.

Q: Are your nails painted?
A: red on the toes, clear on the fingers....pure class all the way.

Q: Do you have any nicknames?
A: Ness, Nessa, V, Dory, etc.


[ Five EMOTIONS ]
1. Are you missing someone right now?
- Meagen, _-CANG, some school pals

2. Are you hyper?
- God no.

3. Who made you cry last?
- Well I'm working on some tears right now courtesy of Nate Curry and his impeccable timing in bailing on me for Brother Ali..stay tuned to see how that turns out.

4. Are you close with your parents?
- LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE them!

SCORE!

I just put on a skirt I haven't worn in a while and found $25 in the pocket. Anyone want to see Shrek 3 tonight?

Also, I have a job. JobS, hopefully, if Brenda calls me back today or something. I get to play with a cute kid three days a week and play with Sarah Balch and Brenda in the registration building the other two or three days. These jobs, for lack of a better term, are blessings.

"Let's Talk On AIM Sometime..." Vol. VIII

[10:30] Vanessa2you: so whatev
[10:30] Vanessa2you: ugh kill me
[10:30] squirtadero: would if i could but i can't
[10:31] Vanessa2you: thanks
[10:31] Vanessa2you: that's what friends are for :-)
[10:31] squirtadero: :)

Deep Blog...Be Warned

I couldn't sleep last night. I'd like to chalk it up to being really torn up about Lauren Berglund, but that's a lie. It's mostly due to the fact that I took a two hour nap yesterday. While I was trying to sleep I did do a lot of thinking about Lauren Berglund though. I didn't really know her well, but I definitely KNEW her, and that alone is enough to sufficiently freak me out. I like to think that I deal with death very well, especially being a nurse or whatever, but I guess I really don't. I mean, I can handle when someone has a fatal disease. You're diagnosed, given a timeline, and that's that. Disease is sad, but it's so much better than an accident. At least if you have a fatal disease you have time to tell everyone and say your goodbyes. I feel so badly for Lauren's family. I can't even imagine if that was me. What if it was my mom or my sister or my dad? That's what really freaks me out - the suddenness of it all. It kills me that she was all alone for so long while she was dying too. That just seems so unfair. I don't really know what else to say. I just think it's all really really unfair and sad and horrible.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, feel free to read this article from the Sentinel. It sums things up pretty well.

Mama's Home

Yaaaaaaaay!

"Let's Talk On AIM Sometime..." Vol. VII: Mother Dear

[12:57] Vanessa2you: hola
[12:57] Vanessa2you: how much of my crap do you want me to pack up before you get here?
[12:58] Vanessa2you: moooomm
[13:00] Vanessa2you: mommy
[13:01] Vanessa2you: why won't you love me?
[13:06] Vanessa2you: I am leaving now to go to the cafeteria and get some lunch
[13:06] Vanessa2you: hopefully when I get back you will have responded
[13:09] Kelleylove: Sorry honey....busy, busy, busy.
Pack up as much as you can. I'm bringing 4 banker boxes and 2 giant zip locs. I'll be leaving here by 2 and should be there around 3:30. I'm signing out now.
Bye
[13:10] *** "Kelleylove" signed off at Tue May 15 13:10:16 2007.
[13:17] Vanessa2you: okay...love you...

"Let's Talk On AIM Sometime..." Vol. VI: A King Among Men

[21:54] Vanessa2you: say something funny so I can put it on my blog
[21:54] The Man PRefekt: life is like a tire iron
[21:55] The Man PRefekt: cold hard and and used to screw things
[21:55] Vanessa2you: wow
[21:55] The Man PRefekt: haha
[21:55] Vanessa2you: that makes it on sheer stupidity
[21:55] Vanessa2you: congratulations

Nightmare!

This morning I dreamt that I was trapped in a hospital/mall. Matt Damon was my boyfriend and we were hanging out smelling perfumes in Macy's when someone codes(stopped breathing, no heartbeat, basically dead) on the sixth floor. We're riding the elevator up to the sixth floor at top speed, since I am for some reason the only person in the hospital/mall who is licensed to work on patients (which I'm not, actually). The damn elevator keeps stopping on every floor and CNAs (nursing assistants) keep asking me to help them reposition their patients, who are all octagenarians with new hips. I am growing more and more frustrated as Matt Damon, being eternally compassionate, gladly indulges each CNA on every floor, leaving the elevator to help move patients on and off the toilet while I fume and press the hold button. Finally we arrive at the sixth floor and I leap off the elevator. There's a bunch of other CNAs yelling at me for taking so long. I run into the room where the patient is coding. I look down at the patient and wake up.

I sit up in bed. My phone is ringing.

I look to see who's calling. It's my friend Natasha. I look at the clock. It's 7:57. Natasha is calling because my alarm didn't go off. I have an 8:00 final beginning in three minutes.

One Sweet Day

I was cavorting about the city today with my good friend AnnE Keller when the subject of my funeral plans was brought up. For those of you not in the know, I never thought I would live past the age of eighteen. I couldn't see myself getting any older, so I always just assumed that meant that I would die my senior year of high school. Knowing and accepting this fate, I began to (very intricately) plan my funeral. I've made a few changes since then and I had to let AnnE in on them. First, I would like everyone walking into the service to get a fan with a picture of my head on it, since I plan to die in the summer when everyone's hot. I would also like Sarah Balch to be standing up front singing "With You In Your Dreams" by Hanson, accompanied by only a piano. I would like to be eulogized by everyone in attendance, no matter how well they may or may not have known me. I am also requesting to be buried with Blue Pig (check out his 'Space if you don't know what I'm talking about) and Simon, my bear. I want an open casket so that everyone can see my carefully chosen outfit and coiffed hair. After everyone has finished singing, I would like my boyfriend/husband/lover to stand up and sing "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey with acoustic accompaniment and a large choir full of black people as backup. During this song I would like a slideshow of pictures of myself with friends and family to play on giant screens in the background. After that I would like _-CANG to come on stage and do a dramatic version of "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey and Boys II Men. I want them in floor-length white choir-esque robes. The robes should be somewhat translucent and flowy. They should also shimmer. I would like AnnE to take the vocals of Mariah, Cassady to be the deep-voiced guy who randomly talks during the song, Natalie to be the main singer from Boys II Men, and Genevieve to sing only during the choruses as one of the miscellaneous Boys II Men members. During this performance I'd like a slideshow of photos of JUST me looking fabulous (Squirt, perhaps we should do a photo shoot before I die). I would like it all to culminate at the end of the song with a photo of me looking straight into the camera with an angel's halo superimposed over my head, along with my birth and death dates underneath. At this point, everyone in attendance will no doubt be in tears. This is when the real finale hits: the lights suddenly turn off and a strobe light comes on as my body is lifted out of the casket on invisible strings and flown out over the crowd while "The Final Countdown" by Europe plays. I will then be placed on top of my casket in a triumphant pose. This will, of course, shock the audience into a stunned silence. They will then explode with laughter and walk away from my funeral feeling incredibly giggly and nearly cheerful. So that's basically it. I'm still looking for someone to do a Ferrell-esque version of "Dust In The Wind" at some point, as well as a pianist and guitarist to accompany Sarah/my lover. Also, someone in charge of setting up the grand finale. Let me know if you're interested, faithful readers! In case you wanted a little sneak preview, here's what you have to look forward to during the "One Sweet Day" performance...

"Let's Talk On AIM Sometime..." Vol. V: The Truest Thing I've Ever Heard

[00:27] sarahmwbalch: whats a friend with out snuggles?!