Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Birthday Poem

A poem for AnnE Keller on the celebratory day of the twentieth year of her life:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I still like you,
Even though you ditched all your friends to move to Chile for a year so you could go bar hopping with a sea witch and let someone steal your iPod on public transportation and fatten up on cheap pastries and drag your big ass up some f-ing huge mountains.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Most Profound Thing I Have Ever Heard From A Professor

"Just pretend like you know what you're doing and try not to look stupid."

- Dr. Pauly-O'Neil, USF School of Nursing faculty member, on performing procedures on patients in the clinical setting.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Really Important E-Mails With My Mom (Edited for the Masses)

>Subject: Hey bitch
>Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2007 16:25:31 -0400
>Here's *********'s (she spells it with an "h" because she's a dipshit) address. I don't remember how much we owe her - however much we paid the other two girls.
>******* "Dipshit" ********
>Saratoga, CA 95070
>Peace bitch, see you Wednesday.
>Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! - >

From: Kelley Smith
Subject: RE: Hey bitch
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2007 4:17 pm
Thanks Bitch


See what you’re getting into…before you go there

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Bakk 2 Skool

Wouldn't that be a great name for an early-90's hip hop group?

I'm bored. I feel like I have a lot to write about but I don't really have anything to say, you know what I mean? Come visit me at my badass new house in San Francisco.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Another Scary Bug

I had to go to bed early tonight because there was another scary bug in my living room. This time it was a creepy beetle with a pointy beetle head and six beetle legs and wings and antennae. It was flying around the lampshade and when it would land on the wall or the table there was an audible thump. Rather than killing the bug, I once again opted to retreat to my room and write a blog about it (see the original bug blog). I have at least four pets who would have been more than happy to eat that bug. If I weren't such a wuss that little bastard would be cat food right now.

Friday, August 10, 2007

An Open Letter to the Triathlete Driving Down Highway 9 in Front of Me on Sunday

Dear Triathlete,

Hi, it's me, the large angry girl in the small shitty car. You may recall seeing me in your rearview mirror while you were driving down highway nine towards Santa Cruz on Sunday. Remember? I was the one riding your ass while distorting my face into hideous contortions and beating my forehead against the steering wheel. I'd like to talk to you about a few things that concerned me during our thiry-two minute jaunt through the redwoods. Let's start with my first issue: your athleticism. Actually, not so much your athleticism, it's more in the way you assert it. I'm assuming you're pretty into physical fitness. How did I guess? Well, the first clue was your "TRIATHLETE: SWIM. BIKE. RUN." license plate frame - a must-have for any serious competitor, I'm sure. Judging by your Ironman bumper sticker, you are REALLY into triathlons. Good for you. Wait a minute, what's that? Oh my God, it's ANOTHER bumper sticker. Wow cool, the evolution of man portrayed by a swimmer, biker, and runner. You must have paid a pretty penny for that one!
Sorry, that came off a little sarcastic. I probably would have enjoyed the triathlete paraphenalia more if I hadn't been forced to stare at it for a full thirty-two minutes. Yes, thirty-two minutes. That is how long it took me to drive from my house to my church. It has never taken me anywhere near that long before. Do you know why I usually get to church in less than thirty-two minutes? I think it probably has to do with the fact that I go faster than twenty-five miles per hour. I know, call me crazy, but I make it a priority to do at least the speed limit on any given road, usually even a few (meaning 10+) miles per hour faster! Also, if I ever have a line of three or more cars behind me (which I don't, ever, but let's be hypothetical here), I pull over to let them pass! I'm sure you were too busy adjusting your balls in your Speedo to notice, but at one point there were EIGHT cars behind you! I even had time to count them because you were going so slow I didn't even have to watch the road anymore!
Anyway, Triathlete, sorry to get so down on you. Next time you see someone tailgaiting you and ripping out their hair in frustration, or perhaps even crying a little, you should probably pull over and let them pass; otherwise, so help me God, I will not hesitate to hunt you down and let all the air out of your bike tires at your next triathlon.

Sincerely Yours,

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

She Works Hard For The Money

What I did at work on Monday:

-Fed Zoe breakfast
-Cleaned Zoe up from breakfast
-Put Zoe on the potty
-Showed Zoe how I pee pee on the potty
-Gave Zoe a chocolate chip for sitting on the potty
-Got Zoe dressed
-Brushed Zoe's teeth, washed her face, brushed her hair
-Packed up some snacks and a cup of water.
-Went to the store and bought Zoe a new pair of shoes.
-Drove to Ace Hardware and bought two different kinds of mousetraps
-Put Zoe back in the car
-Drove back to Zoe's house
-Made Zoe lunch
-Watched Zoe eat lunch
-Gave Zoe a bottle
-Sat Zoe on potty (see routine above)
-Put Zoe down for a nap
-Put away clean dishes
-Washed the dirty dishes
-Cleaned kitchen
-Ate lunch
-Assembled all bills
-Mailed all bills
-Emptied dishwasher
-Put Zoe on potty
-Got Zoe dressed
-Played with Zoe
-Walked around with Kacie
-Snuggled Kacie
-Jiggled Kacie
-Rocked Kacie
-Put Zoe in high chair for dinner
-Went home

What Theresa did while I worked on Monday:

-Fed Kacie
-Printed checks
-Watched "Ellen"
-Vetoed all of the mousetraps purchased for her
-Ate lunch
-Shopped online for baby toys
-Went on a walk with Zoe
-Complained about how busy she is and how hard it is to be a mom

Monday, August 6, 2007

"Let's Talk On AIM Sometime..." Vol. Who The Hell Knows

bestdbspaz: your jealous
Vanessa2you: no
Vanessa2you: I see Chile has not done much to further your English grammar skills
Vanessa2you: *you're
bestdbspaz: no i just dont care