Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Goodbye Max, You Will Be Missed


Max died yesterday. He was having trouble breathing all week and on Saturday night I finally made my mom take him to the vet. They did an x-ray and a sonogram and found that he had cancer in his spleen that had metastasized to his lungs and was causing all his breathing issues. We brought him home with pain meds and sedatives and tried to keep him comfortable, but on Sunday night he started to really struggle with his breathing, even with all of the meds. We decided to take him in yesterday to be put down. I'm glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore and I was lucky enough to get a chance to say goodbye to him, but I love him very much and I'm going to miss him more than I can even imagine. He was the cutest damn dog I have ever seen. Goodbye Maxy, I love you and miss you already.



Sunday, June 15, 2008


New outlook on life: I don't give a shit!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"That Came Out A Little Desperate, Didn't It?"

(While driving through the city with my roommate, I spot a man in shorts)

Me: "God I love it when guys wear shorts."
Roommate: "...I think you just love guys."

Monday, May 26, 2008

I Just Found My Shoe

It was on top of a 6-foot-tall bookshelf.

How did it get there? I came home drunk two weeks ago and thought it would be funny to kick my shoes off in the general direction of my room. Apparently those little red flats are more aerodynamic than I anticipated. There's even a little smudge mark where it bounced off the ceiling before landing on the bookcase. Now that's talent.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Shit I'm Going To Be Spending All Of My Money On This Summer

In order of increasing financial hemorrhage:








Sunday, May 4, 2008

My Mom's Funny Dream

(As relayed to me via phone conversation at approximately 11:58 AM)

Kelley: "I had a weird dream last night."

Vanessa: "About what?"

K: "Well, I dreamt that you and your sister and I were going to swim up to San Francisco in the Lexington Reservoir. We got to the Reservoir and jumped in with our swimsuits on and I realized that we didn't have anything to change into once we got to San Francisco! Then I realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes too! So then I made us all turn around and go back to the house so we could waterproof some clothes to wear once we got to San Francisco and I could find my cigarettes. Then the rest of the dream was us swimming to San Francisco and trying to keep our little waterproof packs of clothes dry."

V: "Wow Mom, that's very... specific."

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I Had To...

Go to urbandictionary. com, and type in your answer to each question in the search box. Only use the first page.

1 Your name?
Vanessa: (not making this up, this is the actual answer)
A moderately common name for an American female; pretty; hot; beautiful; perfect; cutest girl you'll ever see; angel.
As stated in other definitions of vanessa she is always known as being cute, and is the basic definition of perfection. she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and is perfect in every single way. people associated with the name vanessa are usually attracted to large wooden clocks.

vanessa is beautful and perfect

3 Relationship status?
Single: (ahaha...)
When you are currently not in a relationship with a significant other.

It usually does not bother you, but the problems start when selfish and inconsiderate assholes rub in the fact that they have someone, and start saying they "love their oh-so-sexy boyfriends/girlfriends" and start going on and on about what he/she does for them, CAN do, and blah blah.

NOBODY CARES HOW GREAT HE/SHE IS TO YOU!! If you're taken, and love your partner a lot, then good for you, but for goodness's sakes, at least show some consideration for SINGLE people! Some of these people may even be heartbroken ones, who have been abused by past partners, or just simply some that are sick of hearing about some stupid narrow-sighted people who only see either how "hot" their partner is, or how much money he/she has.

Talk about your partner if you want to.. but.. just calm down about it. Your life does not fucking revolve around him/her, so don't act like it.

4 Your best friend?
a wierd dance that a person can only laugh to and not enjoy; a wierd cry of help or wail that does not have a help meaning; a time to go hang out with a person called Cang.

I think its time to cang; Is that person busting another cang?

5 What should you be doing?
An excuse you give your friends when you want to stay home alone and masturbate. Also known as 'reading' 'cleaning your room' or writing a term paper.

"Want to hang out?"

"No, I'm going to stay home and study."

6 Favorite Food?
A girl with curves, usually very hot and or nice on the eyes.

A) Psst.. dude look at that ketchup to the right..

B) You know she broke up with you, pass the ketchup!

7 Home State?
1. State the produces more food than anywhere else, has crazy night life, large schools, hot women, a load of stuff to do, and a the longest beach anybody has ever seen.
2. A place you'll want to stay in once you visit get there.
3. Extremely diverse.
3. Much more entertaining than Texas.

8 Finish the line: "the best thing in life is __?"
Code for having sex. Used primarily by ex-couples who try to fool roommates into believing they are not making the sex. Highly unsuccessful.

Dude, are you and Juli back together?
Nah, we were just napping.

9 Word to describe yourself?
Not just great, but bad-ass fine.

Dude, look at that bitchin '32 roadster with the black pinstriping. Also written bitchen or bitchin' - and ALWAYS pronounced BIT-chin

10 Where did you go today?
A woman`s extremely hairy vagina.

When I went down on her, I thought I was kissing Fidel Castro.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

What if we were dfriends with Rob abd biG?

How fun would that be?!! All they do is fun hilarious things and they habve some really realy crazy antics!! I want to be their friend and we could be really fun together becuase I am a really fun and funny gal and they are very fun and funny too! I don't even want to makeout with htnme or anything Ijust think they would be fun friedns. Rob and big, fi you read this, let's be friends and you can come tovegas tor my birthday!!!! We will do hilarious an tics a nd have so soso much fun adn you can pay for everything but I will make it up to you by being really good company!! THINK ABOUT IT!!! Please post yotur comments on what you would do if you wer fiends with rob and big!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Fancy Pants

I just bought some panties that go from my knees to my boobs. If I can't get any action wearing these then I am officially a lost cause.

I can see the Bridget Jones moment now...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

As Promised: Blog About My Grandma

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of meeting Grandma Jean, let me preface this blog by informing you that Grandma suffers from Alzheimer's. That being said, let's take a moment to delve into the crazy world of Jean Smith.

Grandma Jean is almost 75, yet still gets carded when she requests a senior discount at the movies or restaurants. After briefly meeting my grandmother for the first time, my former roommate described her as a "total babe." Grandma Jean has looked exactly the same for my entire childhood and now that I am almost 21 (!!!), I still can't see a difference. She is like an immigrant version of Liza Minelli - ageless and more and more fantastic by the year.

As previously mentioned, my grandma is an immigrant. She came to America from Italy when she was really little and lived in Pennsylvania (which is now and will forever be referred to as "Back East") for most of her life. This first-generation upbringing lead to a mishmash of cultures at each family celebration. Regardless of the holiday, an array of Italian food will be offered in addition to the traditional dishes. Christmas usually involves prime rib alongside lasagna and gnocchi, Easter with ham and manicotti, and Thanksgiving with turkey and cioppino. In recent years my dad and his siblings have begun to take over the duties of cooking all the Italian foods, but regardless, it still makes me think of my grandma when I have to strategically arrange my turkey and cranberry sauce around a giant meatball in marinara sauce.

The best part about my grandma is that she still thinks she is living in the 1940's. After a recent trip to San Francisco with my mom to visit me, she slipped me a $5 bill and told me to "put it in my piggy bank." Later, while driving home, she proudly told my mom that she had given me "a little spending money." When my mom heard that is was $5, she told grandma that it was a very nice gesture and I could get a whole gallon of gas. My grandma's response: "Yes, she COULD get some gas!" What a gem.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Your Shitty Music Is Interrupting My Mariah Carey

Stop making your damn music play on your 'Space. Every time I want to leave you a comment or look at your new pictures or stalk what other people are saying to you the first three chords of your favorite new shitty song blast into life over the Mariah Carey that I was so enjoying. In the time it takes me to find the f-ing player, I have missed my favorite line of the Mariah Carey song. Way to go asshole. Disable your player.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm Really Busy Right Now

But I have a lot of really important blogs that I want to share with you. I don't have time to do it now, but here's a list of topics that I need to cover ASAP:

1. My Grandma
2. "Absurd"
3. Blogs about lists of things to blog

That's all I can think about now, but it's up to you, faithful readers, to make sure I follow through.

Here's a fun little fact to get you through the day: in a clinical write-up to turn into my teacher, I put that a pregnant woman came into the clinic complaining of vaginal breeding. If you didn't get it the first time, read it again.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Let's Talk on AIM Sometime: AnnE Keller's Crowning Glory

[12:02] bestdbspaz: im on page 8 of 17 of these fucking nots
[12:02] bestdbspaz: notes
[12:02] bestdbspaz: about nots
[12:02] bestdbspaz: ha
[12:02] Vanessa2you: knots
[12:02] Vanessa2you: but good try
[12:03] Vanessa2you: it gave me a laugh anyway
[12:03] Vanessa2you: I am LOLing all over the place around here!!!!!!
[12:03] bestdbspaz: damn
[12:03] bestdbspaz: ive been writing it nots all day but i new it wasnt right, but my enlish has gotten so bad, i couldnt figure it out
[12:03] bestdbspaz: shit playa
[12:04] Vanessa2you: oh my god
[12:04] Vanessa2you: you know I'm going to have to blog this?
[12:04] bestdbspaz: wow, thanks
[12:04] bestdbspaz: i understand
[12:04] bestdbspaz: do what you have to do
[12:04] Vanessa2you: thank you for your blessing
[12:05] bestdbspaz: put this last bit of the conversation in to
[12:05] Vanessa2you: and singing along
[12:05] bestdbspaz: i think its a killer
[12:05] Vanessa2you: can do

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Best Night Ever/Worst Day EVER.

Best night ever!!!

Worst day ever.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Sunday, February 24, 2008

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others

Many of you may remember this blog from last October that visually displayed my affinity for dirty chubby bearded men. Lately I've been filled with conflicting feelings regarding my "type," all brought on by a rainy Saturday night screening of "There Will Be Blood." Here's what I'm talking about:


Paul Dano is the polar opposite of everything I'm into in a guy. He's at least 100 pounds lighter than me (not exaggerating). He's pasty and hairless with an alarming screech that can only be replicated by little girls between the ages of 3 and 8. His face is too pointy and he has a terrible haircut reminiscent of Leif Garrett circa 1978. In spite of all of this, I have not been able to get this man out of my head since I first saw him in the Lifetime original movie "Too Young To Be A Dad." "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Fast Food Nation" did nothing to curb my growing interest, and "There Will Be Blood" sent me completely over the edge. No one plays crazy quite like our Pauly.

Why am I blogging about this? Because I'm hoping that you, readers, can help me figure out what's going on in my brain. What is it about Paul Dano that gets to me? Help me help myself on this one friends.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Thank You Sierra Clark.

*Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS)
You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

1. What is your name?....... Vanessa
2. 5 letter word:...................... Vices
3. Vehicle: .................... Volvo
4. City: ................................ Vesuvius!
5. Boy Name: .................... Victor
6. Girl Name: ..................... Valerie
7. Occupation: .................. Villian
9. Something you wear:....... Veil...when you get married
10. Celebrity............... Vanilli from Milli Vanilli
11. Food: ...............................Vegetables
12. Found in a bathroom:...... Vagina
13. Reason for Being Late.......Ventricular tachycardia (look it up chumps)
14. Fruit.............Voavanga (again, look it up)
15. Something you should do:..........Voyage around the world
16. Animal: ...................................Vole...awww so cute
17. Bodypart: ............................... Vericose veins
18. Word to describe you..... VIVACIOUS and VICIOUS and VOLUPTUOUS!

Monday, February 18, 2008


Last night my good friend Cassady (aka Diva C) and I (Diva V) took our music group, GO DIVA!, to the next level. For your listening and viewing pleasures, please enjoy these videos as a tribute to our gone (but not forgotten) bff AnnE Keller. RIP AnnE!

PS: Keep on the lookout for Cribs featuring GO DIVA! sometime in the near future!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I'm It

Ducky tagged me to write some shit about myself or my brother will die in a car crash and his girlfriend will commit suicide and blah blah blah you know the deal. Just to preface, I have literally spend about two days trying to figure out stuff about myself to tell you guys that you wouldn't already know. Let's begin.

1. I eat most sandwich items upside-down. I don't know when I started doing it but I think all the yummy flavors that you put on the top piece of bread (ie: mustard) hit your tongue first when you eat it upside-down. I only just recently noticed this about myself but I think it's pretty unique.

2. I blog inside my head all the time. Whenever I encounter some kind of weird circumstance or see some funny character on the street I immediately blog it in my head and think about how I would describe it to other people.

3. Much like my good friend Genevieve, I LOVE Harry Potter. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me, but you may be alarmed at the extent of my obsession. I just finished re-reading the series and I was genuinely depressed for a week. This morning I was daydreaming about if I were married to Matt Damon and hoping that our babies would look just like their dad but with their mother's eyes...Just like Harry Potter. I don't know how else I can explain and try to make you understand, but the bottom line is I have a problem.

4. I have major road rage issues, but I think it ends up working out for the best. You all may have seen me get frustrated with people before while driving, but when I am alone in the car there is no stopping the hatred from spilling out of my mouth. If you heard the things I say you would be appalled. However, if I didn't have these opportunities to bitch people out in a controlled environment, I would probably be much less enjoyable to be around.

5. I LOVE two-toed sloths. They are so adorable and cuddly-looking. I think it would be an ideal pet for me because we could just snuggle while watching TV. I would also consider a three-toed sloth or slow loris.

6. I did a shout-out on TRL (Total Request Live, if you're out of the loop) when I was in New York the summer before my senior year of high school. I came on in one of the little boxes during a Yellowcard video and said hi to my sister, Sarah Balch, and Laura Scruggs.

7. If we are chatting on the phone, chances are I am not paying attention to you. I try to stay focused but I just end up tuning everyone out after a few minutes. If you need to get a hold of me, try texting.

8. I know a lot of really really random facts. The platypus is one of the only mammals that lays eggs. The main ingredient in hair mousse is alcohol. Margarine is one molecule away from plastic. Donatello is the purple Ninja Turtle and his main weapon is a staff. This is why I'm really good at Jeopardy.

9. I think that these things are some of the funniest stuff I have ever seen:
funny pictures
moar funny pictures
Funny Pictures
moar funny pictures
funny pictures
moar funny pictures
lolcats - Brokbak Kitteh  wishes he cud kwit u.
moar funny pictures
I spent an hour and a half looking at them last night.

10. I think unpainted nails are disgusting. My toes are ALWAYS painted a color, usually pink or red, and my fingers are always painted clear. Toenails are just the nastiest thing in the world and if you don't paint yours I don't want to see them. This is also the theory behind my "Boys should not wear sandals" rationale.

I'm only tagging Cassady and AnnE because everyone else has already done it. This took a really long time, so I hope you all enjoyed it.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Oh Man....

I haven't blogged in over a month.

The last time I blogged I was the proud owner of FOUR parathyroid glands. Now there are three.

The last time I blogged New York had to make the difficult decision between Tailor Made and Buddha. Now Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant.

The last time I blogged I was severely lacking in lean, mean, fat-reducing grilling machines. Now the next grilleration resides on my counter.

The last time I blogged the Steelers were going to kick some New England ass! Now we're all praying for the Giants. Siiiigh.

The last time I blogged I was broke as shit. I'm still broke as shit. Perhaps even broker.

The last time I blogged I was bored. Guess why this blog was written?

I'm bored.