Sunday, July 4, 2010

I Like To Read A Lot...

BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here.
How do your reading habits stack up?

Copy this into our NOTES. Look at the list and put an 'y' after those you have read.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen -
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien -
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte -
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling-- Y
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - Y
6 The Bible - Y
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - Y
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell -
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens -

Total: 2

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott - Y
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy -
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller - Y
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare-
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien-
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - Y
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger - Y
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

Total: 4

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell -
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald - Y
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens -
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy -
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams -
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh -
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky -
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - Y
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll -
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame - Y

Total: 3

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy - Y
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens -
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis - Y
34 Emma - Jane Austen -
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis - Y
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hossein - Y
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden - Y
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne - Y

Total: 6

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell - Y
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown - Y
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Y, ugh
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving - Y
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery - Y
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood-
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding -
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan -

Total: 5

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel-
52 Dune - Frank Herbert -
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons -
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen -
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - Y
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley - Y
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Total: 2

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck -
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov - Y
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold -- Y
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas -
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac - Y
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding - Y
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville -

Total: 4

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - Y
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker--
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett- Y
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt -

Total: 2

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens - Y
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker - Y
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert -
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White - Y
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom -
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle-
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

Total: 3

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad - Y
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery -
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams -
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas -
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare - Y
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - Y
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo -

Total: 3

Grand total: 36

Hot damn! Also, happy 4th of July.

Friday, June 25, 2010


I know what you're thinking, I got super motivated to blog and then I posted like twice and bitched out. NOT SO, faithful readers! A lot has happened since I last posted - here's a brief recap:

May 11 - 24th: work like a madwoman, save hella babies, snuggle hella babies, pack up my shit and head HOME!
May 25 - June 2nd: lovely vacation to see the fam in California, some general malaise but all in all a great trip
June 3rd- June 25th: DYING.

Now when I say dying, I mean I really thought I was going to die.My tonsils were so inflamed and pus-covered that they were almost touching. I couldn't eat, I could barely breathe, and I couldn't sleep because every time I would finally fall asleep I would completely lose my airway, choke, and wake up. The eventual diagnosis after three trips to the doctor and a delightful night in the emergency department: mono, compounded with a resistant type of strep throat that didn't respond to the first TWO rounds of antibiotics. For your viewing pleasure, here's a delightful shot of my tonsils a couple days after I hit the emergency department but a few days short of me finally starting the right drugs. Keep in mind, they were almost touching my uvula and the pus what what the doctor referred to as "mounded" by the time I finally got treated.

So now here I am, one week, four shots of Rocephin in the ass, and one visit from Mommy later, still exhausted and a little nauseous from the mono and ready to rock this blog for the remainder of my bedrest. Get excited people! You're gonna know more about me then you ever wanted!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


In my mind, "pregnant" is synonymous with "designated driver." To the 12 nurses I work with who are currently pregnant, keep your phones on this weekend... things might get a little out of control.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Why We Shouldn't Have Taught My Mom How To Use Text Messages

"Mommy loves her card! And that it was important that it was here on time [preface: I sent her card express mail so it got there by Mother's Day]! I love U. Mom"

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love your bitch ass too.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Last Published on May 18, 2009

Yikes, all that talk about blog resurrection and BOOM! It's almost a year later and I still haven't posted. Well readers, here's your god damn update. Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. This is what happened:

Yup. That's a Mexican flag made out of Jell-O shots. The best part is, that Mexican flag is still intact on a cookie sheet in my fridge today, el Seis de Mayo. That Mexican flag is, in fact, only about 1/3 of the Jell-O shots we created on el Cuatro de Mayo. You may be asking yourself, "Vanessa, did you have a big Cinco de Mayo party? Why else would you make so many Jell-O shots?" Well no, readers, I didn't have a damn Cinco de Mayo party. I had two friends come over and we sat on my porch and ate about thirty Jell-O shots each. Now you may be saying, "Vanessa, why?! Why would you make so many Jell-O shots for just three people to sit around and eat them?!? WHY?!?!?!!"

Because, asshole. Jell-O shots are fucking delicious.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Facebook Messenger At Its Finest

It's a little long, but definitely worth your time...

what up ho
get my text?

i need to right this fucking paper
umm no

retard, you're about to be a college graduate


my text was asking if you want to see a pic of that dude i made out with on friday

umm sure

k go look at photos of me
page 2, first one of the people in yellow shirts


where i am throwing a peace sign in front of monahan's face
dude is on the right
pointing at me threateningly


tell me that's not a total fucking MOMD

i getit



i got so much shit for making out with him and i dont really know why

cause hes really unattractive

no no
did you click?
he's a fucking BABE

i clicked

so hot
i dont get you
seriously what more do i want in a man?
beefy, taller than me, bearded
jesus christ sign me up


you really dont see it huh?



can i ruin you life, too

you can try...
er how i mean

i think he kinda looks like you dad

my god


i just died a little

Monday, May 11, 2009


This is the conversation I had with my friend Lauren in response to her comment that I looked like this all night long:

11:38amLauren: it is true
11:39amVanessa: no
11:39amLauren: accept it
11:39amVanessa: no its not
11:39amVanessa: dammit
11:39amLauren: yes it is
11:39amVanessa: no!
11:40amLauren: yes
11:40amLauren: that was your signature face
11:40amVanessa: fuck
11:40amLauren: that was also the face you made while dancing at buckshot
11:40amLauren: it was sexy
11:44amVanessa: shit

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


As many of you readers have undoubtedly noticed, I have recently begun to update my blog again. This blog-resurrection coincides with an even more exciting revival - MYSPACE! I have decided it's time to head back to the 'Space, not only because profiles are so much cuter there but because we have finally come full circle in the world of social networking. Since I returned to the 'Space a few days ago I have spent hours (literally... hours) perusing old messages, paging through comments from 2006, and most of all re-reading all my friends' blogs, some of which date back to high school days! I have decided to highlight an excerpt from one of my friends' blog postings each week along with a link to each person's 'Space in order to encourage this MySpace rebirth that I so desire. Without further ado, here is today's pick from one of my bff's Ms. Cassady Rose Clark. It's a poem written in a blog posting entitled "Gas Bag" and dates back to March of 2006.

All About Farts
By Cassady Clark

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
A fart can be long,
Some farts are known to sound just like a song.

A fart can create a most curious melody,
A fart can be harmless or silent but deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly or linger a while.

A fart can occur in a number of places,
And leave everyone with strange looks on their faces.

From the wide-open prarie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find us sooner or later.

But not all farts are bad,
This is simply not true.
But we must not forget,
When you fart it means you have to go poo.

Thanks to Cassady for that literary gem, please visit her 'Space (or mine!) ASAP and get the MySpace party rolling again!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Back in a Big Way!!

Okay, so maybe it's time to resurrect this thing - it's kind of hard to follow up a post about the worst day of your life, but here's a good place to start easing back into the blog world...

[21:50] Vanessa2you: yeah there's a total MOMD who's on the bus i ride most wednesdays
[21:50] Vanessa2you: somehow i missed him for the past 3 weeks
[21:50] Vanessa2you: sad
[21:51] QueenRandom87: oh no
[21:51] QueenRandom87: You should find him and make him love you.
[21:51] Vanessa2you: but he's GORGEOUS
[21:51] Vanessa2you: i know im trying
[21:51] Vanessa2you: and he even gets off same stop as me
[21:51] Vanessa2you: and he is chubby and ginger and bearded!
[21:51] Vanessa2you: AND HAD A SKATEBOARD WITH HIM
[21:51] Vanessa2you: !!!!!
[21:51] QueenRandom87: wow
[21:52] Vanessa2you: i ogled him for like two weeks straight
[21:52] Vanessa2you: then week 3 he shows up with the f-ing skateboard
[21:52] QueenRandom87: I think it's fate.
[21:52] Vanessa2you: it was a sign
[21:52] Vanessa2you: from the Lord
[21:52] QueenRandom87: hmm, you should accidentally bump into him or something
[21:52] Vanessa2you: im working on it
[21:52] Vanessa2you: we sit across from each other
[21:52] QueenRandom87: then he'll just be in love with you after you give your suave apology.
[21:53] Vanessa2you: i smile
[21:53] Vanessa2you: my suave apology meaning "oh, huh....sorry."
[21:53] Vanessa2you: "mumble mumble ha mumble stepped on your foot mumble hehe"
[21:53] QueenRandom87: no it would have to be like "Oh, [demure chuckle} so sorry about that" and then add "And I like your skateboard"
[21:54] QueenRandom87: and then maybe pout and wink at him and get off the bus and be mysterious.
[21:54] QueenRandom87: that's the way to do it.
[21:54] Vanessa2you: and flash him my boobies
[21:54] Vanessa2you: with my phone number scrawled across them
[21:54] Vanessa2you: press them up against the bus window
[21:54] Vanessa2you: mysterious, right?
[21:54] QueenRandom87: that was the next part I was going to tell you.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Goodbye Max, You Will Be Missed


Max died yesterday. He was having trouble breathing all week and on Saturday night I finally made my mom take him to the vet. They did an x-ray and a sonogram and found that he had cancer in his spleen that had metastasized to his lungs and was causing all his breathing issues. We brought him home with pain meds and sedatives and tried to keep him comfortable, but on Sunday night he started to really struggle with his breathing, even with all of the meds. We decided to take him in yesterday to be put down. I'm glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore and I was lucky enough to get a chance to say goodbye to him, but I love him very much and I'm going to miss him more than I can even imagine. He was the cutest damn dog I have ever seen. Goodbye Maxy, I love you and miss you already.



Sunday, June 15, 2008


New outlook on life: I don't give a shit!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"That Came Out A Little Desperate, Didn't It?"

(While driving through the city with my roommate, I spot a man in shorts)

Me: "God I love it when guys wear shorts."
Roommate: "...I think you just love guys."

Monday, May 26, 2008

I Just Found My Shoe

It was on top of a 6-foot-tall bookshelf.

How did it get there? I came home drunk two weeks ago and thought it would be funny to kick my shoes off in the general direction of my room. Apparently those little red flats are more aerodynamic than I anticipated. There's even a little smudge mark where it bounced off the ceiling before landing on the bookcase. Now that's talent.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Shit I'm Going To Be Spending All Of My Money On This Summer

In order of increasing financial hemorrhage:








Sunday, May 4, 2008

My Mom's Funny Dream

(As relayed to me via phone conversation at approximately 11:58 AM)

Kelley: "I had a weird dream last night."

Vanessa: "About what?"

K: "Well, I dreamt that you and your sister and I were going to swim up to San Francisco in the Lexington Reservoir. We got to the Reservoir and jumped in with our swimsuits on and I realized that we didn't have anything to change into once we got to San Francisco! Then I realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes too! So then I made us all turn around and go back to the house so we could waterproof some clothes to wear once we got to San Francisco and I could find my cigarettes. Then the rest of the dream was us swimming to San Francisco and trying to keep our little waterproof packs of clothes dry."

V: "Wow Mom, that's very... specific."

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I Had To...

Go to urbandictionary. com, and type in your answer to each question in the search box. Only use the first page.

1 Your name?
Vanessa: (not making this up, this is the actual answer)
A moderately common name for an American female; pretty; hot; beautiful; perfect; cutest girl you'll ever see; angel.
As stated in other definitions of vanessa she is always known as being cute, and is the basic definition of perfection. she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and is perfect in every single way. people associated with the name vanessa are usually attracted to large wooden clocks.

vanessa is beautful and perfect

3 Relationship status?
Single: (ahaha...)
When you are currently not in a relationship with a significant other.

It usually does not bother you, but the problems start when selfish and inconsiderate assholes rub in the fact that they have someone, and start saying they "love their oh-so-sexy boyfriends/girlfriends" and start going on and on about what he/she does for them, CAN do, and blah blah.

NOBODY CARES HOW GREAT HE/SHE IS TO YOU!! If you're taken, and love your partner a lot, then good for you, but for goodness's sakes, at least show some consideration for SINGLE people! Some of these people may even be heartbroken ones, who have been abused by past partners, or just simply some that are sick of hearing about some stupid narrow-sighted people who only see either how "hot" their partner is, or how much money he/she has.

Talk about your partner if you want to.. but.. just calm down about it. Your life does not fucking revolve around him/her, so don't act like it.

4 Your best friend?
a wierd dance that a person can only laugh to and not enjoy; a wierd cry of help or wail that does not have a help meaning; a time to go hang out with a person called Cang.

I think its time to cang; Is that person busting another cang?

5 What should you be doing?
An excuse you give your friends when you want to stay home alone and masturbate. Also known as 'reading' 'cleaning your room' or writing a term paper.

"Want to hang out?"

"No, I'm going to stay home and study."

6 Favorite Food?
A girl with curves, usually very hot and or nice on the eyes.

A) Psst.. dude look at that ketchup to the right..

B) You know she broke up with you, pass the ketchup!

7 Home State?
1. State the produces more food than anywhere else, has crazy night life, large schools, hot women, a load of stuff to do, and a the longest beach anybody has ever seen.
2. A place you'll want to stay in once you visit get there.
3. Extremely diverse.
3. Much more entertaining than Texas.

8 Finish the line: "the best thing in life is __?"
Code for having sex. Used primarily by ex-couples who try to fool roommates into believing they are not making the sex. Highly unsuccessful.

Dude, are you and Juli back together?
Nah, we were just napping.

9 Word to describe yourself?
Not just great, but bad-ass fine.

Dude, look at that bitchin '32 roadster with the black pinstriping. Also written bitchen or bitchin' - and ALWAYS pronounced BIT-chin

10 Where did you go today?
A woman`s extremely hairy vagina.

When I went down on her, I thought I was kissing Fidel Castro.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

What if we were dfriends with Rob abd biG?

How fun would that be?!! All they do is fun hilarious things and they habve some really realy crazy antics!! I want to be their friend and we could be really fun together becuase I am a really fun and funny gal and they are very fun and funny too! I don't even want to makeout with htnme or anything Ijust think they would be fun friedns. Rob and big, fi you read this, let's be friends and you can come tovegas tor my birthday!!!! We will do hilarious an tics a nd have so soso much fun adn you can pay for everything but I will make it up to you by being really good company!! THINK ABOUT IT!!! Please post yotur comments on what you would do if you wer fiends with rob and big!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Fancy Pants

I just bought some panties that go from my knees to my boobs. If I can't get any action wearing these then I am officially a lost cause.

I can see the Bridget Jones moment now...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

As Promised: Blog About My Grandma

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of meeting Grandma Jean, let me preface this blog by informing you that Grandma suffers from Alzheimer's. That being said, let's take a moment to delve into the crazy world of Jean Smith.

Grandma Jean is almost 75, yet still gets carded when she requests a senior discount at the movies or restaurants. After briefly meeting my grandmother for the first time, my former roommate described her as a "total babe." Grandma Jean has looked exactly the same for my entire childhood and now that I am almost 21 (!!!), I still can't see a difference. She is like an immigrant version of Liza Minelli - ageless and more and more fantastic by the year.

As previously mentioned, my grandma is an immigrant. She came to America from Italy when she was really little and lived in Pennsylvania (which is now and will forever be referred to as "Back East") for most of her life. This first-generation upbringing lead to a mishmash of cultures at each family celebration. Regardless of the holiday, an array of Italian food will be offered in addition to the traditional dishes. Christmas usually involves prime rib alongside lasagna and gnocchi, Easter with ham and manicotti, and Thanksgiving with turkey and cioppino. In recent years my dad and his siblings have begun to take over the duties of cooking all the Italian foods, but regardless, it still makes me think of my grandma when I have to strategically arrange my turkey and cranberry sauce around a giant meatball in marinara sauce.

The best part about my grandma is that she still thinks she is living in the 1940's. After a recent trip to San Francisco with my mom to visit me, she slipped me a $5 bill and told me to "put it in my piggy bank." Later, while driving home, she proudly told my mom that she had given me "a little spending money." When my mom heard that is was $5, she told grandma that it was a very nice gesture and I could get a whole gallon of gas. My grandma's response: "Yes, she COULD get some gas!" What a gem.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Your Shitty Music Is Interrupting My Mariah Carey

Stop making your damn music play on your 'Space. Every time I want to leave you a comment or look at your new pictures or stalk what other people are saying to you the first three chords of your favorite new shitty song blast into life over the Mariah Carey that I was so enjoying. In the time it takes me to find the f-ing player, I have missed my favorite line of the Mariah Carey song. Way to go asshole. Disable your player.