I Just Found My Shoe

It was on top of a 6-foot-tall bookshelf.


How did it get there? I came home drunk two weeks ago and thought it would be funny to kick my shoes off in the general direction of my room. Apparently those little red flats are more aerodynamic than I anticipated. There's even a little smudge mark where it bounced off the ceiling before landing on the bookcase. Now that's talent.

Shit I'm Going To Be Spending All Of My Money On This Summer

In order of increasing financial hemorrhage:

7.


6.


5.



4.


3.


2.


1.

My Mom's Funny Dream

(As relayed to me via phone conversation at approximately 11:58 AM)

Kelley: "I had a weird dream last night."

Vanessa: "About what?"

K: "Well, I dreamt that you and your sister and I were going to swim up to San Francisco in the Lexington Reservoir. We got to the Reservoir and jumped in with our swimsuits on and I realized that we didn't have anything to change into once we got to San Francisco! Then I realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes too! So then I made us all turn around and go back to the house so we could waterproof some clothes to wear once we got to San Francisco and I could find my cigarettes. Then the rest of the dream was us swimming to San Francisco and trying to keep our little waterproof packs of clothes dry."

V: "Wow Mom, that's very... specific."