For those of you not currently in the know, my dad hooked me and three friends (Cassady, Gen, and my mom) up with tickets to a free preview screening of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As always, the movie was nowhere near the greatness of the book. It did not, however, suck as much as other Harry Potter movies I have seen. For your viewing pleasure, here is my character-by-character review of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Note: I have to use the character names because I don't know/give a shit about what the actor's real names are):
Harry Potter: Damn son, you are one ugly bastard. I wouldn't mind your face so much if you could act, but you can't, so I basically hate you. You are one of the two main reasons I typically dislike the HP movie franchise.
Ron Weasley: Holy crap, when did you hit puberty? Call me when you decide to trim that bowl cut and grow some facial hair....maybe we could work something out.
Hermione Granger: Why why why why WHY do you suck SO MUCH?! How the hell did you get this job?! You are perhaps an even worse actor than the guy who plays Harry Potter, and that's really saying something. You don't even try to look like Hermione anymore! You have some of the funniest and sassiest lines in the Order of the Phoenix book and you somehow managed to screw up in your delivery of EVERY SINGLE ONE! You ruined my favorite Harry Potter joke ever. Do us all a favor and go into rehab or die or something so you don't ruin Half-Blood Prince for me too.
Weasley Twins: In the words of my good friend Genevieve, "I would do them both...AT THE SAME TIME!" Again, grow some facial hair and we can talk.
Ginny Weasley: If you don't show me your mother f-ing bat bogey hex in the next movie, I swear to God I will start hating you.
Dean Thomas: Sorry the powers that be decided that Seamus should hook up with Ginny at the end instead of you. I guess interracial relationships just aren't cool with the kids these days. Keep on keeping on, brother.
Seamus Finnigan: Ohhhh man....I know Cassady says you're only 5'2" in real life, but your accent and charming Irish looks more than make up for it. If you were to, say, grow a full beard, there's probably no one in the world who could keep me from having sex with you. Let's get on that, shall we?
Luna Lovegood: OH MY GOSH YOU ARE AMAZING! Whoever cast you should be paid twice their current salary. You kept this movie from being a complete turd, and I thank you for that.
Bellatrix Lestrange: I didn't know Amy Winehouse was an actress!
Snape: You scare the shit out of me and you're perfect and I love you. Actually, I hate you with all my heart, but I love your acting skills. You know what I mean.
Dolores Umbridge: Perfect cough, perfect clothes, but just didn't look enough like a toad.
Tonks: Boo. Poor choice.
Voldemort: Holy mother of God, you are sosososo frightening. I can't wait for you to get your ass kicked.
Well there you have it friends, my extensive review of Harry Pott and the Order of the Phoenix. Overall I give it a B-. This less-than-stellar review will not, of course, keep me from buying it the day it comes out on DVD and having a screening at my house. Maybe we'll even have more licorice wands...
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4 comments:
The girl who plays Hermione makes me want to vomit with how bad her acting is, and how overactive her eyebrows are.
Lune was pretty awesome. I'm happy with her casting, as well as umbridge. I thought she had a good look and the only thing I didn't like was that sometimes she seemed unsure of herself (when she was punishing Harry, for instance) and that just shouldn't have happened.
Snape is sooo cooool. In he evil, creepy kind of way.
Bellatrix.... She probably would have been awesome if they'd given her more than one line. (and a scream)
I'm going to say it. Voldemort is sexy.
I saw it a second time and it wasn't as bad. It makes more sense when you're not being overly critical. I LOVED Luna and I wish that dumbass, over-actor "Hermione" (if we can even consider her Hermione anymore) would go to hell. I too would like a piece of the twins or Ron. Any male Weasley that isn't named Arthur... I'm game.
I second that, Cassady. Any male Weasley besides Arthur can have his way with me anytime. I can only imagine the sexpot that is Charlie Weasley...mmmm....
Hahaha, I just read this for the first time and I nearly fell off my chair laughing (mostly because of your sentiments toward the Weasly boys; most unexpected from you)!
I completely agree about "Hemione" and have always said that she needs to have her freakish eyebrows botoxed at once.
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